STAGEPLAY(Hindi): "रफ़ीक़" COLUMBUS M.B.A.

ACT I

The Introductory Note

Empty Stage, with a Single Table and a Chair. Queen Isabella is sitting, filing her
nails. The सूत्रधार walks in.

सूत्रधार

(Addresses audience)

In 1491, Columbus sailed the seas in a bid to discover a "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India. He landed in America. This is the story of what went wrong. DISCLAIMER: None of the characters in this play resemble anyone at my office, If someone tells you otherwise, don't believe it.

He is about to leave the stage, stops...

सूत्रधार

(Leaving the stage now...)

We start with the sales pitch at the chambers of her excellence Queen Isabella of Spain...

Exit सूत्रधार.

The Sale and the Start

Queen's phone rings. She picks up...

QUEEN ISABELLA

(sounds bored)

Oh! all right! Send him in...

Columbus enters stage, smiles, glib. Struts up to Queen Isabella. Gives a flourishing
bow.

COLUMBUS

(keeps running fingers thru the hair on his head, like a filmi hero)

Your Highness. मेरा नाम है Columbus. प्यार से लोग मुझे "रफ़ीक़" कहते हैं...And I, am an "M", "B", "A".

QUEEN ISABELLA

Her Highness Queen Isabella कहतीं हैं के...इरशाद baby!!!

COLUMBUS

Okay, My Queen. I have a PROPOSAL for you. हम Arabia से "Spices" बहुत मेंहगे खरीदते हैं. I'll discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India.

Queen looks lost. She has no clue. In addition she is bored.

COLUMBUS

फिर अपना direct connection, और market पर अपना ही राज! पैसा ही पैसा!!! बहुत profitable venture है. बस my Queen, एक बार हाँ कह दो.

"पैसा" is all Queen understood. She is interested, but still confused. Without thinking much she utters...

QUEEN ISABELLA

हाँ???? Uh!

COLUMBUS

Oh! Thank you so much My Queen. You won't regret it. क्योंकि मेरा नाम Columbus है, और लोग प्यार से मुझे रफ़ीक़ ऐसे ही नहीं कहते...hehehe...

Columbus exits stage. Queen is confused, picks up the phone, says...

QUEEN ISABELLA

इस sailor का नाम क्या था? रफ़ीक़? Columbus? Yah, yah okay...whatever...

She gets up and lazily walks away, off the stage. From the opposite end, सूत्रधार starts walking in again. Behind him, the TEAM and Columbus walk up to the table and settle...waiting for the सूत्रधार to leave the stage...

सूत्रधार

एक धमाकेदार sale close हुई. दो दिन बाद थी (marks these words in air quotes) "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" की kickoff meeting...

सूत्रधार walks off stage.

ACT II

The Project KickOff Meeting

Columbus is looking excited. Walking up and down the stage. Sometimes, sitting, sometimes standing up and pacing around again. The rest of the team is standing around the table (or somewhere close...)in anticipation. All are really excited.

COLUMBUS

दोस्त!
मालामाल हो जाएँगे!!! मस्त opportunity मिला है! We have to discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to INDIA!!!

Hearing this the entire team gets excited, and start talking to each other, all speaking together, expressing their initial excitement. Columbus watches on...

TEELU ख़ान

INDIA? YAY! INDIA!!! मज़ा आए गा!

चमकदार

ओsss बेटे की! INDIA!!! सही है!!! ख़तरनाक!!!

जोड़ तोड़

माँ कसम MAN!!! YAAH! INDIA!!! MAN!!! SHORTEST ROUTE!!!

मानसिक दिमाग़

INDIA!!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!! अबे यार!!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!!

COLUMBUS

दोस्त! Idea दो! देखना अब तुम सब क्या famous हो जाओगे! और मैं क्या अमीर हो जाऊँगा! दोस्त! बस अब मुझे IDEAS दो!!! क्या क्या करने का है... (looks at each one, while saying..) Kyon Teelu ख़ान मेरे दोस्त!, चमकदार! कुछ सोच ना!, मानसिक! क्या बोलता है!, जोड टोड! सबकुछ चलना माँगता है!

Team members speak one after the other, no one listening to anyone else, just putting in their bit of excited ideas. (Note: They speak in quick succession, but not together...)

जोड़ तोड़

MAN! Test Driven Development करेंगे. As a Tester, MAN!मैं क्या बताऊँ क्या क्या मस्त ideas आ रहे हैं MAN!

TEELU ख़ान

आबे चुप! अपने क्या चाहिए मालूम है क्या? कम fuel लगे, और speed ज़्यादा मिले...

चमकदार

हाँ! हाँ! मैं एक नया engine बनाता हून! और Ship भी मस्त redesign करतें हैं...

मानसिक
दिमाग़

(moving a little away from everyone...)

अबे तुम लोग मेरा allocation देख लो हाँ! पहले बता देते हैं...

COLUMBUS

(totally ignoring मानसिक)

हाँ! मज़ा आ रहा है ना? YEAH!

चमकदार

और हम लोग हैं ना, एक compass भी लगाएँगे ship में...

COLUMBUS

(abruptly, interrupting everyone...)

अच्‍छा "Accessibility" क्या-क्या होगा?

Suddenly the team enthu drops a few degrees...

TEELU ख़ान

Accessibility?

COLUMBUS

अर्रे भाई! Queen का Law है! अपने को अँधा पब्लिक भी चाहिए ship पर! उन लोग Indian spices सूंघ के बताएगा!

मानसिक दिमाग़

(shaking his head)

अकल के अंधे...

चमकदार

(apprehensive)

देखना पड़ेगा, मैं engine में modifications कर दूँगा.

TEELU ख़ान

(trying to impress Columbus)

हो जाएगा!
हो जाएगा!

COLUMBUS

So ARE WE SET TO ROCK!!!

Everyone starts saying YES!! YAY!! again, looks like the enthu is coming back, when...

COLUMBUS

(business like)

तो अपना arrival date कभी है?

चमकदार

Arrival date? पर पहले मेरा engine...

is interrupted by Teelu ख़ान

TEELU ख़ान

Arrival date? अभी क्या पता की हम India कब पहुँचेंगे? अभी तो कोई planning भी नहीं की है...

COLUMBUS

तो let's plan!

The Planning Game

Team leaves stage for a short second and brings chairs with them, these they put around the table, and go into a silent animated discussion. In the mean time the सूत्रधार peeks in from the side of the stage, says...

सूत्रधार

And... so we come to the planning game...

and leaves immediately. At the same time Columbus enters Stage from the opposite end and starts meeting...

COLUMBUS

हाँ तो Guys! I am sorry, I am late,पर तुम लोग time से आया था ना! okay! tell me! कहाँ तक पंहुचे? क्या estimate है?

TEELU ख़ान

(counting on fingers, like a small businessman)

दो महीना r&d, चार महीना design, आठ जाने का, आठ आने का, और दो महीने का documentation, almost दो साल लगने वाला है!

चमकदार

OOH! AAH! HMM! It's big!

जोड़ तोड़

It's a big one man!

COLUMBUS

(again abruptly cutting everyone out)

Okay, Abhi, Queen ko दो हफ्ते में final report चाहिए, मैने commitment दे दिया है.

मानसिक दिमाग़

पर हमसे पूछना था ना!!! ऐसा कैसे???

Columbus totally ignores मानसिक again...There is a general uproar, eveyone starts making noises...

TEELU ख़ान

Too less time! सिर्फ़ travelling में एक-डेढ़ साल जाएगा!

COLUMBUS

क्यों? यह तो "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" है ना?

चमकदार

पर दो weeks? अभी तो मेरा engine भी नहीं बना...

COLUMBUS

(assuming mock sobriety, as if he cares - he doesn't)

Guys I hate to say this, but, We'll have to work on the weekends too.

There is general silence for a second...everyone was dreading this...

COLUMBUS

In fact, 2 weeks mean 14 days and 14 nights, मतलब we essentially have total 28 days...देखा! आराम से दो का चार! चल अभी दो की जगह चार हफ़्ता दिया...मुझे तो मस्त लग रहा है...

मानसिक listens to Columbus with growing dread

TEELU ख़ान

और लगभग 300 expert resources...

COLUMBUS

(doesn't let Teelu finish, shows mock aggression, anger)

आबे चल ना, 30 fresh new freshers दिया, यॅ resources-resources रोना बंद के यार मेरे सामने...

मानसिक listens to Columbus with growing dread, and then faints...

Everyone is Silent, when सूत्रधार reappears.

सूत्रधार

And the planning game still goes on...

सूत्रधार does not exit, he just turns and keeps watching...

चमकदार

अपने को किस direction में जाने का है?

COLUMBUS

Hmmm.... assume कर लो. बाद में compass में देख लेना. Compass लगाने के बाद direction भी सोचना पड़े तो compass का फ़ायदा क्या? Actually compass should also do accounting on the ship.

TEELU ख़ान

और क्या लगता है, कितना दूर होगा India?

COLUMBUS

फिर वही बात! "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" है, कितना दूर हो सकता है? Assume कर लो! C'mon guys! Don't give me problems... give me solutions...

Again everyone falls silent, सूत्रधार turns to the audience...

सूत्रधार

And the planning game still goes on...

सूत्रधार does not exit, he just turns and keeps watching...

COLUMBUS

Why do we need a new ship? Where is REUSABILITY??? Let's reuse our old one.Let's use Noah's ARK.

जोड़ तोड़

Noah's Ark के लिए compass अलग से testing करना पड़ेगा...

चमकदार

(Picking up मानसिक, who is feeling better...)

Par... Noah's Ark में तो सिर्फ़ 15 जन ही आते हैं? अपना crew तो 30 freshers का है...काश 300 experts...

COLUMBUS

तो shifts में काम नहीं कर सकते क्या?

TEELU ख़ान

मतलब?

COLUMBUS

Shift में आधे Ship पर रहो, और बाकी पीछे पीछे swimming करते आओ...

मानसिक faints again...

सूत्रधार turns to audience and says...

सूत्रधार

And as I just said... It just goes on... and on...

This time goes off stage...

TEELU ख़ान

और पब्लिक का खाना पानी  संडास वगेरह...???

COLUMBUS

(cutting him short too...)

अर्रे ए भाई! अपने इधर IDLE TIME का कोई कॉन्सेप्ट नहीं है. वो पानी वाले पानी में क्या करेंगे? संडास बातरूम सब पानी में करने का.

जोड़ तोड़

(risking another suggestion before meeting breaks..)

But I need to test the ship man! and I need to test the compass too...

COLUMBUS

अर्रे ए! PROTOTYPING नहीं सुना क्या! Ship क्यों test करना है? सिर्फ़ bathroom की बाल्टी में लख़्ड़ा टेस्ट करले...दरिया मैं चलना चाहिए...और सुन..

Suddenly T.J. barges on to the set in a lot of urgency... No one is expecting him, he walks straght up to जोड़ तोड़ and grabs his hand...(जोड़ तोड़, who in real life is Sid-iddharth, attends cruel super late night calls for the "BFW" account with T.J.)

T.J.

Sid, चल यार ज़रा अपना BFW का कॉल है. बाद में देख लेना, अभी client बुला रहा है.

COLUMBUS

(Shashank gets out of character to become the real life project manager for a second)

अर्रे T.J. भाई वो play में है... कहाँ लेजा रहे हो...

T.J. mumbles a non committal reply, but, takes जोड़ तोड़ with him...

चमकदार

अब tester के बिना क्या करेंगे...?

COLUMBUS

(out of frustration...)

C'mon guys! Don't give me problems... give me solutions...I don't know when you will learn to take up challenges!!! Quality is just an overhead!!!

Columbus waits for a second and then pats Teelu ख़ान.

TEELU ख़ान

(snapping to attention, time to set the team straight...)

Okay guys! तुम लोग planning और setup में ही सारा time बर्बाद कर दोगे... चलो, get to work...

Everyone gets up and moves off stage...

COLUMBUS

दोस्त! मुझे एक RISK लग रहा है! अगर मुझे कुछ हो गया तो project डूब जाएगा. और मेरा काम तेरे बिना नहीं चलेगा...

TEELU ख़ान

Oh! अब क्या करें!!!

COLUMBUS

मुझे लग रहा है के, हुमको यहीं रुकना पड़ेगा. Team को ship पे भेजते हैं, और अपन लोग यहीं से remotely manage करते हैं.

TEELU ख़ान

Wow! आप मस्त solution सोचते हो!!!

COLUMBUS

(doing his fingers in his hair thingy again...)

hehehe... मुझे लोग प्यार से रफ़ीक़ ऐसे ही नहीं कहते...

They walk off stage smiling, while the सूत्रधार walks in again...

सूत्रधार

पर planning eventually ख़तम हो जाती है... and after some more time we come into PRODUCTION!!! EXECUTION!!!

सूत्रधार walks off stage.

ACT III

The journey

We see Columbus and Teelu ख़ान sitting on the table. Columbus' legs are propped on the table.

COLUMBUS

(totally relaxed, as if the last two days have been nothing but अइय्याशी)

Aahh! "Pure Management" में होने का यही तो फ़ायदा है!

Teelu ख़ान looks up to listen to more management gems...but,

COLUMBUS

मेरे को भूख लगी है, तू कुछ लेगा क्या खाने को?

Teelu shakes head.

COLUMBUS

चल मैं अकेले का order करता हूँ, अच्छा...

buthe cannot finish his statement, as जोड़ तोड़ comes running to them...

जोड़ तोड़

MAN! It's perfect! It works so well.

He has something in his hand.

COLUMBUS

(back as Shashank for a second)

What happened. आ गया तू वापस. call का क्या हुआ...

जोड़ तोड़

(totally ignoring Columbus' comments)

MAN! यह compass एकद्ूम मस्त चल रहा है. सारे tests पास हो गये!

TEELU ख़ान

आबे compass तेरे पास था?!?!! तो ship पे क्या लगा है?

COLUMBUS

क्या फाल्तुगिरी है... phone कर. status report माँग.

Teelu ख़ान nods.

In the mean time जोड़ तोड़ keeps standing there...

TEELU ख़ान

Hellow! चमकदार! क्या चल रहा है! किधर जा रहे हो...

चमकदार

Sir! हम समंदर में हैं, और, बिल्कुल सीधे जा रहे हैं.

TEELU ख़ान

और तुम्हारा compass कहाँ है?

चमकदार

Sir compass की testing पूरी नहीं हुई थी. poor quality compass से हम wrong direction में चले जाते. सो हमने compass लिया ही नहीं.

This frustrates both Columbus and Teelu ख़ान, bloody developers, they always take the crucial decisions without informing their seniors. They both look at जोड़ तोड़, who shrugs.

COLUMBUS

Bloody Developers. They always take the crucial decisions without informing!!!

TEELU ख़ान

(trying to manage the situation)

कोई Landmark दिख रहा है?

चमकदार

Sir! हुमारे सामने sunrise हो रहा है!

COLUMBUS

Abe! वो! लगता है east में जा रहे हैं!!! उन्हे u-turn लेने को बोल!!! बोल west में जाने का है!!!

TEELU ख़ान

सुना!

चमकदार

Okay Sir!

चमकदार

और Sir! हम थोड़े थोड़े नीचे की तरफ भी जा रहे हैं! लगता हैं Noah's Ark में कुछ leaks थे...

TEELU ख़ान

क्यों! Noah's Ark की testing किसने करी थी...

जोड़ तोड़

(interrupting the conversation)

मैने Noah's Ark के लख़्ड़े की टेस्टिंग करी थी...

COLUMBUS

करी थी?

जोड़ तोड़

हाँ, अपने bathroom के tub में.

TEELU ख़ान

अबे समंदर में जाके देखना तो था!!!

जोड़ तोड़

(shrugging, matter of fact)

Client call पे जाना पड़ा था...

Both Columbus and Teelu are feeling the strain now. Columbus is not playing with his hair. Teelu is not sitting...

चमकदार

Sir! Boat थोड़ा और नीचे चला गया.

TEELU ख़ान

Ship से वजन कम करो. पाँच आदमी को बोलो boat के पीछे बाकी 15 के साथ swim करें.

चमकदार

Okay sir!

चमकदार

(screams to his
ppl.)

5 aadmi boat खाली करो!!! Okay sir!

TEELU ख़ान

Noah Ark's की maintainance किसने करी थी...

चमकदार

Sir! मानसिक दिमाग़ ने. वो faint हो गया था... सो हमने उसे development से support में shift कर दिया था...

TEELU ख़ान

(to जोड़ तोड़, urgently)

मानसिक ने support team join करली?

(imitating Columbus)

क्या फाल्तुगिरी है...जल्दी मानसिक को भेजो!

जोड़ तोड़ exits in a hurry, and in a short time, मानसिक enters, sulking, lazy...

TEELU ख़ान

मानसिक! Noah's Ark में leaks थे?

मानसिक दिमाग़

हाँ

TEELU ख़ान

तो! fix क्यूँ नहीं किए?

मानसिक दिमाग़

मुझे किसी ने नहीं बोला...

TEELU ख़ान

(totally furious)

किसी ने नहीं बोला? Functional Specs कहाँ हैं? चमकदार! Functional Specs कहाँ हैं!

चमकदार

Sir! शायद आपके पास हैं. हमें तो कभी मिले नहीं.

At this मानसिक starts smiling and skipping like a kid. Watching the frustrated managers is giving him great joy...

TEELU ख़ान

(looks and realizes that the specs are with him. quickly hides them under the seat)

तो क्या हुआ! इतनी obvious चीज़ें समझ नहीं आती...!!!

Columbus realizes that things are getting out of hand. He takes over.

COLUMBUS

मानसिक, support team इनकी क्या मदद कर सकती है?

मानसिक दिमाग़

मुझे पहले Queen से एक mail भिजवओ!

Now ignoring Columbus, मानसिक starts moving off stage!!!

COLUMBUS

(screaming after मानसिक)

पर mail servers तो down हैं!!!!

मानसिक moves off stage. still skipping.

सूत्रधार comes back on stage...

चमकदार

Sir! boat में अभी भी पानी भर रहा है!!!

COLUMBUS

चमकदार! चॅमकू! मेरे दोस्त! ऐसी situation में मैं तुझ पर ही depend कर सकता हून. और 15-20 लोग पानी में भेज दे...

चमकदार

Uh! Okay! sir 15-20 तो अब बचे भी नहीं!!! Uh! anyway sir! okay sir! (shouts orders to colleagues)

but the boat is still going down...

चमकदार

Sir! boat अभी भी नीचे जा रहा है!!!

COLUMBUS

चॅमकू! मेरे दोस्त! Crisis में हर manager को अपने हाथ गंदे करने पड़ते हैं! तू भी समंदर में कूद जा! सब मिलके boat को धक्का लगाओ!!!

Columbus quickly cuts the call.

चमकदार

UH!!!

COLUMBUS

Bloody चमकदार, भूतनी का!!! साला crisis में प्यार से बात करके काम निकलवाना पड़ेगा.

Both Columbus and Teelu are now really tense and keep talking animatedly, but we can't hear them much, at this time, Sootradaar enters again...

सूत्रधार

ऐसी कई कड़ी रातों के बाद एक सुबह आई...जब चमकदार का एक बार फिर call आया...और...

सूत्रधार walks off stage.

Columbus and Teelu are sitting on the table, heads down, totally dejected.

चमकदार

Sir! good news sir!

Both sit up and take notice!

TEELU ख़ान

हाँ! हाँ! चॅमकू! मेरे दोस्त!

COLUMBUS

हाँ! दोस्त! मुझे good news दे!

चमकदार

Sir! हमको लॅंड दिख रहा है!

TEELU ख़ान

Excellent!

COLUMBUS

Excellent!!! this is very good news!

Teelu for the first time in his life takes a decision, without Columbus' help

TEELU ख़ान

Aur humare Blind Navigators ka kya kehna hai!

COLUMBUS

Teelu मेरे दोस्त! क्या फाल्तुगिरी है! Blind लोगों को land कैसे दिखेगा!!! This is great news!!! I am going to give this news to the Queen!!!

TEELU ख़ान

Sir! Sir! एक minute! one minute only sir...

but Columbus excetedly exits stage, while Teelu continues to pretend to talk to चमकदार.

सूत्रधार re-enters.

सूत्रधार

Time आ गया है के हम Queen से एक बार फिर मिलें. कहानी जहाँ से शुरू हुई थी वहीं पर पूरी...

Interrupted by Columbus he again waits on stage, as Columbus re-enters.

COLUMBUS

Her Highness इन लोगों से ASAP मिलना चाहेंगी. चमकदार को बोलो की Noah's Ark छोड़ दे, और swim करके वापस आ जाए!

TEELU ख़ान

पर Sir, एक problem है! हमारे blind navigators को pizza और burger की बास आ रही है, spices की नहीं. लगता है वो India की जगह America पहुँच गये. अब Queen को क्या बताएँ?

COLUMBUS

(in deep thought...)

HMMM!!!... Let me think.... (waits for a min...then...) मेरे दोस्त! एक idea है! लोग मुझे प्यार से रफ़ीक़ ऐसे ही नहीं कहते!

They animatedly discuss the idea but we cant hear it, सूत्रधार turns to the audience again...and while he speaks, Columbus and Teelu walk off stage...

सूत्रधार

So finally चलते हैं Queen के चेंबर्स में, जहाँ कुछ दिनों बाद, पूरी team her highness Queen Isabella of Spain से एक बार फिर मिली...

The Queen of all Resolutions

Empty Stage, with a Single Table and a Chair (just like the opening scene). Queen Isabella is sitting, filing her nails. Queen's phone rings. She picks up...

QUEEN ISABELLA

(sounding bored)

Oh! all right! Send him in...

Columbus enters stage, smiles, glib. Struts up to Queen Isabella. Gives a flourishing bow.

COLUMBUS

(keeps running fingers thru the hair on his head, like a filmi hero)

Your Highness. मेरा नाम है Columbus. प्यार से लोग मुझे "रफ़ीक़" कहते हैं...And I, am an "M", "B", "A".

QUEEN ISABELLA

Her Highness Queen Isabella कहतीं हैं के...इरशाद baby!!!

COLUMBUS

My Dear Queen. हम लोग अपनी जान पर खेलकर "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" discover कर लाए!

QUEEN ISABELLA

Please bring your team here...

Team walks in...

QUEEN ISABELLA

So अब हम अपनी "spices" directly खरीद सकते हैं? Market पर राज! पैसा पैसा???

COLUMBUS

(sure of himself)

उसमें थोड़ी देर है. हमारा "SHORTEST ROUTE", shortest है, पर India के जगह America जाता है.

QUEEN ISABELLA

WHAT!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! DID YOU FOLLOW ALL THE PROCESSES? WHERE IS ALL THE DOCUMENTATION? WHAT WENT WRONG!!!

COLUMBUS

My Queen! yes we did everything! There was intense planning! The execution was flawless! The leadership was amazing! but It's too early to say what went wrong...

QUEEN ISABELLA

So I have lost so much money for nothing?

COLUMBUS

Not for nothing My Queen. We attacked the American savages, and lost our great Noah Ark in the battle. But we managed to win a Feast, only fit for a Queen.

Columbus signals the team. With great fanfare, मानसिक passes a box to जोड़ तोड़, who passes it to चमकदार, who passes it to Teelu ख़ान, who brings it to Columbus.

COLUMBUS

My Queen, we, after a great battle with Americans brought you a Pizza!

QUEEN ISABELLA

(obiviously impressed)

Hmm... maybe we can discuss this project again sometime.Keep the pizza here...

She turns back to filing here nails, the team starts to edge away, but Columbus is still standing there...smiling.

Queen notices this...

QUEEN ISABELLA

You are still here! Hmm..! So tell me Columbus what else do you have for me except for this pizza? Her Highness Queen Isabella कहतीं हैं के...इरशाद baby!!!

COLUMBUS

(cocksure, smiling, hand in hair)

My Queen, what I have for you is...

he looks at the team... who is alarmed...

COLUMBUS

Another, Proposal...

the last we see before the lights dim is the team running wildly away...while Columbus stands there smiling... सूत्रधार enters stage.

सूत्रधार

(in dim lights)

By the way... In 1492, 1491 के इस (air quotes) "project" के बाद, Columbus sailed the seas in another bid to discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India. This time he DID land in India, but discovered "THE LONG ROUTE" instead. But THAT is another story...

Lights come back on again; everyone comes on stage and takes a bow.

THE END.

download pdf: RafiqColumbusMBA

Rafiq Columbus comes back again!

Two years ago I had written this stage play, with "creative" inputs from Shashank, Hiren, Sumukh, Siddhartha and Palash. (with the exception of a curt facebook/linkedin profile, none of them is a citizen of the web).

It was a farce on the travesty that is "management" in the software industry.
The ingredients were the regular "management masala": proposals, timeline, schedule, scope, resources, planning, risks, execution, delays, disaster, delivery and closure. Nothing that a typical corporate head has not seen.

It's been two years since. It seems that we ended up creating a "timeless classic" (*ironic smirk*). Whoever said "The more the things change, the more they..."

So, the timing of the topicality considered, I realized it'd be nice to put the play up here.

I never got to thank Shashank, Sumukh, Hiren, Siddhartha, Palash and Ghazala properly, for all their humility, humour and help. :)

The Cast's character sketches:
1. Shashank Abhyankar: "Rafiq" Columbus MBA - THE Man
2. Sumukh Byndoor: Chamakdaar - "Assistant" to the Team Lead, Teelu Khan, engineering maniac, technology to management wannabe
3. Siddhartha Banarjee: Joad Toad - The tester on the project, socially incompetent but work wise worthwhile.
4. Hiren Lakhmani: Teelu Khan - The Team Leader, everlasting bum licker to The Man.
5. Palash Sinha: Mansik Dimag - General purpose fainting machine, first a developer, then the support guy.
6. Ghazala Ansari: Queen Isabella - The stakeholder, sponsor of the project, serial nail filer.
7. Shaurya: Sootradhar - The voice over.
8. T.J. Shankaran: Plays himself in a nice cameo - T.J. + Sid combine were rocking through some hard harsh late nights when the play was originally written. His cameo breaks the fourth wall for a bit and provides a much needed plot point to move the story forward.
9. 30 freshers: unnamed, experience-less, disposable "resources" who drown and die without a mention and deserve it.
10. 300 experts: who were needed, but, were "never there".

A note about the new version:
1. I edited some copy, added a few lines here and there
2. I changed Hindi to actual Devnagari script. No more transliterate confusion.
3. I had originally written it using an online scriptwriting service (Zhura.com), since then it has closed down and converted to something I do not enjoy any longer. I am going to migrate to Celtx now. Before that I wanted to test how best to migrate scripts out of there into a better shape. It's a pain. So if the post does not appear properly, I'll also attach a pdf version. Seriously, formatting this again across applications is a effing pain!
4. It's kinda contextual, caustic and 20 pages long. Don't read it.
5. There may still be typos. If you find some, please please please do tell me.

Till the next post then...
S.

Each day Chicago lives in constant fear of Alien attacks. I witnessed the spectacle of one such attack that day. That day, the snows had just melted and spring was still a weekend away. That day was when it all took place. My knees are still wobbly with the memories of the attack!

Here is all that happened...

At the innocent little art institute intersection, a lion was trying to cross the street but no one would let him.

Feeling faux-chivalrous , I went to the nearest traffic light to push the pedestrian crosswalk signal button.

But lo! I noticed a little green alien there! In a flash, the alien climbed in and started the alien b(.)(.)bie ship...

Soon there were alien b(.)(.)bie ships all over the place!

They stood in straight lines looking very ominous!

The b(.)(.)bies mated with vampire drummers and made funky dance sounds! Worried people started calling home! I was worried too, but, forgot to call home because of all the smell...

The b(.)(.)bies were making the copper lion fart! ...and the poor guy just wanted to cross the street.

On top of that, because of the shadows in the nether world, I could not confirm if the lion was really a he. I felt guiltily sexist.

Guilt, farting Lions, sexist thoughts and Alien Boobies!!! The scene was turning really dangerous so I started running away!

Chicago is a big city, it takes a long time to run to anywhere. So before I could get to anywhere, it was dusk.

My feet were aching and it looked like it would rain anytime now. Tired, cold, about to be rain-wet and scared of alien b(.)(.)bies.

No one stood a chance! ...and just then things turned even worse!

The alien b(.)(.)bies started glowing!

They were glowing with as if they had six nipples and a purpose!

They stood tall above all and glowed at the sky, all round and rebellious! As if saying “Bring it on! We’ve got our nipples covered”

The whole city was in shock of the glowing b(.)(.)bies! Cars were scrambled at the Michigan Avenue bridge…

And scared people were running on the magnificent mile! It made them burn calories! Panic was everywhere!

All this while the alien b(.)(.)bies stood boldly, ignoring the mammoth pointy-top buildings around them

The alien b(.)(.)bies fooled my mind and made me take pictures of the same spot...

again...

...and again.
I bumped into a street bum to knock some senses back in my head, but I lost my wallet in the process.
I had to try and escape now, but how???... Idea!

Try to sneak a taxi back home and pay the fare with Wrigley's spearmint! Yes, that should work!
It was perfect! But no...

The alien b(.)(.)bies were having too much fun.

Those alien b(.)(.)bies had turned the city golden...!

I have no memories of what happened after that, but I did wake up in my own bed the next morning.

And now, here I am narrating all this to you.

A warning to the wise, an invitation to the foolish and a tale told.

Signing off from the mile.
Your other-worldly wise tourist,

shauryashaurya

The Chicago Diaries

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="The Chicago Diaries: Teaser Collage"][/caption]

Nah! FB and Flickr don't cut it.
I wanted a seamless storytelling experience but that did not happen on FB or Flickr (Flickr was worse).
So, am going to do what I have tried to avoid for a long time now.

I'll try to post the Chicago Diaries as blog posts. Hopefully WP layouts can handle it.

With the Chicago Diaries, I'll play with the presentation of travel pictures using Facebook Albums, Flickr Sets and Wordpress bl (e.g. they might be read as comics or picture books etc)

...and share the touristy pictures I'd clicked in Chicago.

Cheers

the ONE is one

Today,

My dear
My love
I miss you

I want this
to be my message
of all the love, to you

I'll treasure this
memory, of a day
that will never

come in our lives
again, ever again. Ever.
I am sorry

for not being around
and I promise
I'LL MAKE IT COUNT!!!

You are one today
Soon you'll be nine
Soon you will be more than me

But always you will be mine.
I look up to you.
I'll look after you.

And look you have to promise
That you'll do better, far better,
my love, than I could ever do

Live it well
Live it long
Live it full
Live it strong

and remember
there is a lot of love
all for you

where this came from.

S.

Life ki Fight

लोग अपनी लाइफ में कितना काम करते हैं यार!

ये लड़का था,

गाँव मे छोटे परिवार का था

साइकल पे स्कूल जाता था

घिस घिस के मराई

फिर बॉमबे आया

प्रोग्रामिंग करी

मॅतमॅटिक्स पढ़ी

लड़कियाँ घुमाई

शादी करी

फिर गाओं भर को भी पढ़ा दिया

सारी भैंस तक बी.अस्स.सी हो गयी

फिर पिक्चर बनाई, ओसकर कमाया

फिर प्रेसीडेंट ऑफ इंडिया बन गया

बाद में सोलह देशों का प्रेसीडेंट हो गया

फिर बॅटमॅन बन के ऊड गया

और कल मिला था

आज-कल dance करना सीख रहा है

और तो और

उस का एक बच्चा भी है...

लोग उसके नाम का आश्रम चलाते हैं.

क्या शान की लाइफ होगी उसकी

और एक तू देख...

भूत की तरह बैठा ब्लॉग्गिंग कर रहा है...

अबे कुछ सीख!!!

दुनिया चाँद पे चली गयी

और तू यहाँ अपना ल* पकड़ के बैठा है!

यार, लोग अपनी लाइफ में कितना काम करते हैं यार!

AVATAR

AVATAR = awesome

.

nerves and the morning

I've got jingly jangly nerves

and a bad morning.

I need help

or warm-warm

or patience.

What I do not need

what

I already have

is the

cold ass

perspective.

S.

Never start with the weather

Never start with the weather, they told him.

Still, each time he sat down to write a story, all he could think of starting with was winds and thunder and rain in the moonlit night.

They said it was a cliché.

He said he didn't care!

If you know the rules, you can break 'em! They said that rules were there for a reason.

He said rules were there so you wouldn't make a mistake, when you were not doing what you were good at.

But you are not good at it! They said.

Not yet, but that doesn't mean I can't be better.

So follow the rules till that time! You cannot disrespect them!

No I don't disrespect. I just do not subscribe to them. I detest. More than the rules, my freedom is what I want. Let me make mistakes, let me fall, let me graze my knees and break my back for one day I will stand tall. One day, I will be good enough to make the rules. And ironically you'll not be able to say follow the rules then.

It's your arrogance talking!

Or is it your arrogance that wants me to stop?…


---
न सताइश की तमन्ना न सिले की परवाह
गर ऩहीँ हैं मेरे अश्आर् में माने न सही
- मिर्ज़ा ग़ालिब

सताइश: प्रशंसा, praise
सिला: पुरस्कार, मेहनताना, prize, wage
अश्आर्: शेर (बहुवचन), plural of couplet (couplets?)

[rough/literal]translation: "I do not desire the admiration or the pay, if what I say, means nothing [to you], so be it." Mirza Ghalib.

S.

wasting time

of

pink elephants

and

blue mice...

of

marmalade

and

marzipan...

of

naked nail-cutters

and

needlessness...

of

life-ness,

like-ness,

and

lemonade.

I

think

and

waste...

what?

auteur

…after him his work was still alive, like watches on the wrists of dead soldiers... Jean Cocteau had observed.

He was talking about the work of Marcel Proust at the latter's deathbed.

I wonder if Proust would be flattered with the comment, particularly after his death. I wonder if I would be. (No I am not comparing myself with him, am just asking the question.)

.

Atul and his very fine taste in conversation. I do not get the pleasure often, but I do get it at times. Sadly enough, I am not that great at making conversation. I can only talk about films. At all other subjects, I am miserable. And mostly he bears with me, sometimes provokes, sometimes probes, almost always provides and explores. Sometimes we have a conversation over chat too! :)

We were chatting last night. He told me about a new post he was writing. I could not see the post till lunch time today because of connectivity outage, but when I did, the questions put across suddenly connected. They were once very close to my heart too, but, from a different angle. The questions used to bother me, not as a spectator, but, as the performer.

.

When you think about all the hard work a performer puts in and the in securities that come packaged with the job, the temptation to brand the work with your identity is really strong.

From watching one to actually making a film, I've crossed the fence twice (for small 5 minute shorts). Even though the results were horrible and bad (in order of chronology) the amount of work in both cases was a lot! We had to work so hard that at the end of it all, we could not see anything objectively. Regardless of the quality, the work moved us. We felt extremely attached to it. We wanted our names all over it.

And so the question is: what is an artist's signature? where is the artist's identity within the art? where is the artist's vanity within his work? where is the humility within the artist?

I get a mixed response when I ask these questions to myself. In real life I ended up branding my baby on the forehead. I am not at all proud of it. So, I look around for the masters for the answers. (Again, I coulda talked about other arts, but, as I said, I am only good with films.)

.

To understand it better, remove the credits from a film and then watch it. Never knowing the name of the film and the cast. Also, know that no matter how successful the film, a Herculean amount of thought and effort has gone into making it and making it work.

Take a look at Guy Ritchie. He does a revolver. A film with no credits. None. It still has a Guy Ritchie signature though. Things that move the man and the ways he expresses himself. Experimental edits, chekov's guns, pace set to a beat, beats set to a rhythm, music score in sync with every beat and camera angles that are never objective. Why the loud? I guess it is the way he likes things.

Or at Alfred Hitchcock, the man himself. His signature appearances in his films were popular enough to allow him to use as attention hooks and plot devices. But why did he make them in the first place? It couldn't have been a significant draw in his third film? Especially since it was a silent film. Did he know he could use his appearance to highten the drama or the overall impact of the film? I doubt. Did he feel a need to "sign" a part of the film, on which he had worked so phenomenally hard, like a painter's flourish? Probably. But was that it? Cause then there was his "lost" film - The Mountain Eagle. A film that he himself "was not sorry that there are no known prints". So, did he not love the resultant enough? Is it that he never made a mistake in the films he appeared as cameos in? How could a man who made 60 of the most awesome films ever, not love another one of his own?

Or at Woody Allen. A character so integral to the films he makes, that the film would loose all flavor without him. Is the on-screen importance of the character self-referential? Probably not. Is the character a coincidence? Not at all. But he is almost conspicuous by understatement during the credits of his film. Then again, Bananas and What's up tiger lily were exceptions. Why? His best films lately have been the ones in which he was nowhere to be seen - Match Point, Vicky Christina Barcelona, but, if you are familiar with Woody Allen's work, then you could immediately recognize them.

The list goes on...

Several patterns emerge.

The question of Identity is very strong when you start.

Some filmmakers begin with their names all over the place - on the credits and on the film - though a superficial signature, but, not a bad idea at all. After all it is very difficult to disown the baby you endured all the pains for and just delivered. Some begin with excessive focus on the treatment of the film, so the work takes up part of the director's personality. The vanity is an integral part of the identity here.

There may be another reason behind all this pomp - you need to make it in the business. So the first few films are like your showreels. Exemplifying your "take" on filmmaking.

With time the ego's need for identity matures. In the first case the director becomes the "will power" artist, direct anything that comes his way, losing his "touch" and losing his identity itself (hence those "finding oneself" themes in films, because the search for the self becomes a very personal issue with many directors). In other cases the director's focus becomes keener, he may become more observant, resulting in such fine work that you marvel! But, in the most dangerous case, the ego is satisfied and here is where the one hit wonders come from. The satisfied ego sleeps and there is nothing that the director looks forward to.

And finally the director (and I think any other artist too) learns to "use" his (her) ego. Personally speaking this is a very painful process. Accepting your mistakes, changing tracks, learning on the go. Listening closely to what others (even less accomplished ones) have to say. Learning the aesthetics and the dynamics of when, how and why to put across your point. This clinical dissection of each thought, each need, each moment, each everything becomes painful very quickly, but, I have seen people grow and grow to wonders as this pain starts reducing and becomes the cure.

I strongly feel that it is from this stage that the greatest masters of the art emerge. When finally the art, the work, the content takes precedence over the self. These works of art are still personal, deeply so, but the artist learns to manipulate the self well to make the right impact, a bit like a sculpturer with his chisel. This is the quality that I tend most often to appreciate in art. Not having to think of the maker, just the made. The humility of the identity playing a significant role in the masterpiece.

The harsh truth is that the artist does not matter as much as the art does (I say "harsh" because I am yet unable to separate my "self" and my "work".) But the art of the master at the very end speaks of the artist - "...like watches on the wrists of dead soldiers".
S.

30th Aug. '09

---

BTW:

1. @conversations, I observe the art keenly, I might improve. :)


2. Blame the connectivity, the computer, the condition but we could not chat much last night.


3. There was a time when Atul got me started on those Mondrian compositions in films, with this, he got me going on another longish rant. Good for me. :)


4. Atul asked me the reason for not working on a film right now and I gave a circumspect answer. The truth is that I am in a state of comfort and fear. Not ready for the leap. Scared. But something tells me that I am probably not a coward. So there is still hope.


5. OMFG! It's been two years. I better do something!

pointleff?

See I've done it too. Made fun of the fab lisp that Shahid's character "Charlie" carries in the film with elan! F instead of F. That's just it. There is no meaning to the lisp. Its only a gimmick.

And this lisp becomes the metaphor for the film too. There's spunk, elan, all the nice adjectives out there but, the lisp of it all is that it is all so pointless.

What do I have to say about Kaminey?

1. The language! wow! nice!


2. The execution! the film making skill! wow again!


3. Flawleff performance by Shahid.


4. A completely poinless film.

I'd been so eager to watch this film, what with all the hype, the people talking around, rumors of "intelligence" of the film floating around and everything. I tried hard to catch it the whole of last week, but work was priority and the nights belonged to my office workstation. Finally I made it to the cinema halls this saturday, eagerly snatched a couple of tix from the ticket window. I ensured that I did not miss a single moment of this film. I was there an hour early and waited the while, mobile in silent mode, self in eager mode. I did not miss a single moment of the film, but, I missed the point.

I distinctly remember a certain breed of student, back I was in school. These guys were regarded as the "brillant minds" of the class. They were the toppers throughout the twelve years of my school education. I distinctly remember them. They could study any book or subject. Mug-up scores of pages with commas and fullstops accounted for. Put 15 points in a 10 point essay (10 points got you 9/10, there was one point for neatness. I got 9/10 mostly, but to my credit, I have scored 0/10 too, yay!!!). They'd solve the most ridiculous math problems, if not by logic then by "practice" - practice made perfect (The great Indian schooling adage).

Once while talking to one such student friend (yes, I've been in the worst of companies), I said "I hate the freedom struggle stories in history. There's so much tragedy in there, it's sad" (this is the gist, the censored version, you don't wanna know the rather unscholarly, expletive ridden original). The reply I got from the "brilliant mind" was, "Oh! yes yes good point, there is tragedy, yes, I will put this in my essay. Tragedy makes it appealing. I'll go and collect quotes about tragedy..." He went on to win the best student prize. His parents were proud, he was happy and the Sun shone upon the valley. In the middle of all this, did you notice how pointless it all was? There was no meaning to tragedy, no reason "why", just hard work and ass crack crust. Just put your head down and work, meaning? Who cares? This thought has become one of the cornerstones of the Indian urban mindset. A manager expects that from the employees. A father expects that from a child and a school teacher expects that from the class. All about numbers, ratings and hard work. All devoid of meaning. Pointless.

Personally, I find it impossible to work hard when I know it is all pointless. And no, to all the detractors, you cannot have a good product, if the labor was not well meant. My personal involvement today shines through my products, my team and my body of work.

But, the head-down-and-work approach can take you far! Far above the rest of the Indian cinema in fact. Each time I see a Vishal Bharadwaj, I am reminded of my erstwhile "brilliant minds", present day "management professional" friends. An amazing amount of hardwork, an awesome awesome film. All pointless.

To me a line-by-line interpretation of Shakespeare's work is an academic exercise, not art from the heart. If you'd wanna do a Shakespeare for the modern day, try taking examples from Romeo+Juliet, Shakespeare in Love and Hamlet2. See how personal these works are, the thoughts and intent of the creators shine through. A blow-by-blow Indianized version is still just an acedemic exercise. Although it makes for a very good, but, meaningless film. What was the point of Omkara? or of Maqbool? But they were very very good films right? Yes, I agree.

Even in a field as dead boring as software, a "personal" touch makes all the difference (have you seen Apple's awesome products?). Then in an artform like cinema, where communication is the backbone, how can we leave aside the personal touch and work? Films need to be deeply personal. Period. If it doesn't move the creator, it should not be made. I am not talking of just the author or the director or the camera guy. No. I talk of the collective. You must find what moves you about a subject and build your body of work around it.

And henfe the problem with Kaminey. The pointleffneff getf to you after a while, even though you are engaged with the ftory, fay 70% of the time.

Great filmmaking, great music, great camera work (although I didn't agree with a few shots there), neat editing (again we coulda cut away a few snips more). All with nothing to gain in the end. Shahid does shine through though. He depicts two different men with a lot of elan. A job really well done! Ms. Priyanka Chopra - The poor girl tries hard, but sadly it looks like she doesn't have a knack for the natural act. No one else acts well enough for a mention. The dhan-te-nan song looked so nice in the small youtube window. It totally fell flat, slow, unresponsive to the energy of the music on the big screen.

I am in pure awe of the amount of "Mehnat" - hardwork that Vishal Bharadwaj has put into the film. Each shot is well thought out, put together with great skill, nothing is done without a reason. Except probably the film itself. The sum is so much lesser than its parts here.

Edit:

While watching the flick, I was constantly reminded of Guy Ritchie's first - Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels. It looked like some of the shots were also filched from it, esp. Bhope in the climax. It's probably a coincidence and hence besides the point.

:)